Keep Calm and Don’t Panic
Hello to who ever chooses to read these :)
Its been ages since my last blog, but I’ve been in need of some personal reflection and expressing thoughts.
Currently it is 9:28 PM in London. I am disgustingly hungover and starting to be a little worried. I have a presentation tomorrow afternoon with a group on body dysmorphic disorder which I am in a panic state on. I need to prepare for this tonight, but instead writing this cute little (but most likely long) blog.
Thoughts of the day: I need to stop drinking alcohol. I want to know what to do. Where will I be this time next year? and how can it both hurt and feel good to have feelings for someone?
May seem like I’ve lost the plot, have a minor drinking dependency, and am scared shitless of life. Because to be quite honest all of those assumptions are somewhat true.
I’m really beginning to panic, stress, freak out about life. There’s no escape from these thoughts. I’m constantly wondering what will I become? Where will I stay? Will I make the impact on others that I desire? Will anyone ever find me good enough?
To a bystander or stranger these thoughts may make me seem depressed, lonely, or truly sad. But I’m not. I’ve never been more happy. I’ve always been one to think a lot, have a view of the world and things going on. Always being aware of my feelings or emotions. And that genuinely is what scares me the most.
I WANT to stay in England. I don’t want to leave this place, where I feel home and part of a community. I feel so accepted here and I physically can not put into words how much I love this country. Everything about it. But there is always that little doubt, little voice in the back of my head saying “What if I can’t stay here.” And that is not a thought I like to ponder on. There are so many things that could go wrong or not happen. I want this so much and can’t see myself anywhere else. So think I’m panicking quite a lot at the minute because I care so much about this experience I’m having.
A part of me is freaking out about what if’s and another part of me is saying don’t let it through my fingers. And if I really want this, I’m going to have to work for it. This is what I intend on doing.
As of tonight, currently 9:40 PM, I am putting my foot down.
I’m not going to harm my body anymore by getting too drunk or drinking as often.
I’m going to really focus on university and my grades.
I’m going to find a job and stop saying I will.
I’m going to start planning for 3rd year and all the steps needed to stay in England.
and lastly, I’m going to try to prove to someone how much they mean to me.
Think this is all pretty manageable and knowing my determination, this written vow to change is what I needed. I shall see soon if there is any improvement in my daily life.
To conclude this blog at 9:43 PM, along with my lengthly list of vows, I will continue trying to do something good each day for someone else. Really want to make myself a better person
And with that, I am now off to finish preparing for my presentation tomorrow. Until next freak out
Home for Christmas
Its been a long time since I’ve posted a blog, and to be quite frank its because I often forget that Tumblr exists- oops!
So a quick catch up from August to now:
1: Served drinks at a pub,
2: Partied a lot, too much actually,
3: Went to lectures, handed in assignments,
4: Gotten closer to best friends,
5: Fancied a boy, then was let down,
6: Had exams!
So my first semester wasn’t anything out of the norm for being a student.
The exciting news came the week before the 13th of December. My father announced to me that he was buying my round trip tickets to come home for Christmas. I was ecstatic to say the least!! I’ve been home now for nearly 2 weeks and I love being able to be with family, share gifts, and have home made meals.
However, being home this time has taught me a very liable lesson. I’ve learnt how different I actually am. But the difference this time isn’t the realisation of this. Instead its the acceptance and love of my differences. I’ve grown up and my unique characteristics are more obvious now that I have gained more confidence.
I love my family to bits, but I’m always going to be different to them. I push for my dreams and truly reach for all my goals. I’ve let myself lose track of goals because I worry too much about other people. Although this time I need to stop and worry only about my future. Need to stop making excuses and keep reaching for those goals I’ve always had but lost sight of. 2013 is my year to sincerely make myself proud and no one else.
To shoot for 1st’s in all my modules rather than “average”. To reach my goal weight and to not give up. To do what I want and not what is expected of me. To be happy with who and what I’m doing.
This is the year to really focus on me. So, 2013 lets have ya.